I can honestly say this is something I haven't really experienced in my life. I think perhaps I curiously thought about it maybe once when I was 15 just wondering what would happen if I no longer existed, and I think I just kind of scared myself at even the thought and quickly got that idea out of my head. But the thought of of even dying is something that has always frightened me, even more so the thought of doing so by my own hand.
I truly do value my life, not that I think that the people in my life just couldn't live without me or that I am so important to this planet that I should stick around, but I just feel like my existence is of value. I can't really describe exactly why I feel that way in words, I just feel like it is. I feel like I am meant to be here for a reason. And just the thought of the immense pain and suffering I would bring to my family, my mom, my brother, my sister, etc., if I were to end my own life, is just too great of a burden. How could I willingly bring such tragedy to the people I love and want to protect from pain?
I know the internal pain exists in others, I have experienced people I love, friends and family around me going through so much internal pain in their head and their hearts that I can truly understand how they might feel, or might have felt at one point that the only way to possibly stop that pain is by ending it all. And for that I wish I had a magic wand to take that pain away from them and to sprinkle that dust to let them see that they are beautiful and their life is precious and how much there is to live for. I am very happy to see that some have been able to overcome that pain, even if there are physical scars left behind of darker times.
I guess when it came time for me to be created, I must have been standing in the "sunny genes" line. There are so many different personality traits that could have been passed down to me from my family, and so many that were, but the one I am most grateful for is the level of positivity I have been able to carry throughout my life. I didn't live a horrific childhood, but it was my no means a perfect one. I had to live through things I would never wish upon any child. I was forced to become an adult way too early in order to mentally survive and care for my siblings when there were undesirable things happening in our home. And I could have easily been led to a life of rebellion, crime, drugs and into a very dark path. But somehow all that I experienced in my childhood only fed this strength bubble in me which only pushed me harder to overachieve and made me want to be a better person and lead a better life. I knew life couldn't be like this, so my goal was to seek out happiness, success and serenity.
Maybe that's why I feel like I need to stick around, there are just too many goals that I need to accomplish that will take a lifetime to achieve.
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