Day 27: A Problem That I Have Had

So this is Day 27 topic....although it's not technically day 27 because I'm just a tad behind.....but in keeping with the pattern here we go....

So a problem that I have had is a pretty deep personal one. It's a problem I've had ever since I can remember from childhood. The problem has always been my weight. The fact that my nickname growing up from my family was "Gorda" pretty much all my life you might be able to gather how deep seeded into my head this problem has been for me.

I was always a chubby kid, I don't like to put blame on much more than my family genes, but I gather that probably growing up in a Mexican household where beans and tortillas made with lard were a daily staple probably didn't help the situation. But again, I had food on the table and a mother that cared enough for us to make a hot meal for us every day, so I try not to harbor hard feelings about all that. Sadly, those bad eating habits just followed me beyond high school and through college. 

In remember in high school being pretty much sedentary when it came to sports, I was definitely miss social, I was all about clubs and ASB and being all over the place....except out in a field. It was the norm for me to buy nice big gooey cinnamon rolls from the food carts that were available to us in the morning before class and during lunch. I had fun and had friends, but I always had that nagging voice in the back of my head "you will never been that pretty skinny blonde girl all the guys like, so you better be smart and friendly at least". In my senior year I discovered Weight Training because I chose to take that for PE and it's when I started getting a glimmer of what my body could possibly do. I discovered I had it in my to bench press and squat just as much and in some cases more than the guys. That felt good. But wasn't quite enough to get me into the real "fitness and health" mode. 

In college fitness and health was the last thing on my mind. Partying, drinking, going to class and trying to get good grades. participating in oncampus organizations, socializing.....that was my life. I had this really good way of tricking my mind into thinking "I'm not fat, I look fine". However, in the back of my head I still had that little "Gorda" telling me, you know why you are really alone. You know that the reason you don't have a boyfriend isn't because you are "too busy" but because no guy will look at you twice the way you look now. But I still did my best to try and quiet that voice. In reality, I was pretty overweight, and it was only a matter of time before I was metaphorically slapped in the face with reality. It was one night when I was out with a friend at a bar and club in downtown, thinking we were the hot shit, and at the end of the night I closed my tab and got my receipt back from the bartender and on the side of it he had scribbled "fatty"....most likely to recognize who the receipt belonged to...it was definitely a stab to the heart and psyche.

Eventually in my early 20's when I hit over 200lbs is when I realized something had to give. I was reminded of how rampant diabetes ran in both sides of my family and how much it could destroy and end lives, including my own. I began to learn about "healthy" eating and the importance of exercise and my last year of college I decided to join the college gym and my journey of health began. 

However, even 12 years later, the journey still continues. An no matter how much confidence I gain in myself, that little "Gorda" voice is still in the back of my head.  When I'm able to triumph and get into a pattern of good health and exercise I'm able to shut her up. But there are those moments, when I start gaining some of those pounds again and things seem to start getting a little out of control that she starts to get a little louder again. 

Sadly just because of my genes and the way my body is built and how my insides are made up, I will always struggle with this "Problem" of mine. I just wasn't meant to be a little petite 120lb flower, and that's a fact. It's just a matter of my continued efforts to shut up that "Gorda" inside me and remind myself I am worth it, no matter what shape or size I might happen to be sporting at the time.